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“Cheese-Head” by S.C. Jensen
Genre: Fairy Tale/Comedy
Once upon a stormy night, a witch stirred up a foul smelling concoction in a cauldron as black as mould. Thunder rattled the tiny windows of her cottage in the woods and the wind outside howled. Inside the kitchen a fire crackled and, to anyone left out in the gale, its blaze would have appeared like the glowing red eyes of the devil herself flashing in the pitch. There was no one outside, though. The witch had even brought in her cow, Etheldred, who stood next to the wash basin contentedly chewing her cud and watching the fuss.
“That’s three turns widdershins,” Etheldred said, for she was a magical cow and never could keep her opinions to herself. “With the wooden spoon, not the iron. Do you want to spoil the whole batch?”
“I know that,” the witch snapped. She quickly dropped the iron poker she’d been about to thrust into the brew. “What do you care if I spoil it, anyway?”
“Whose teats did you squeeze with your clammy hands to fill that crock, you half-witted hag?”
“Half-wit, am I?” Flames licked up around the fat belly of the pot as the witch muttered over her potion. “Managed to get the best of you, didn’t I?”
A gobbet of twice digested grass hung from Ethelred’s mouth. “I happen to like being a cow,” she lied.
“It certainly suits you. Saggy dugs and all.”
“They were good enough for your husband, Frances Stein.” The cow licked her lips lasciviously and let a steaming pile of dung fall to the kitchen floor.
“Well, there’s no accounting for taste.” Witch Stein poured a vial of alarmingly yellow liquid into the cauldron. “Anyway, you can have him once this spell is finished. I’m making myself a new husband.”
“That,” the cow said, “was Bile of Basilisk.”
“That’s what you said to use!” The witch’s eyes widened in horror. “Who’s the cheese expert here?”
If a cow could grin, then Etheldred was grinning. “Banshee would have been better.”
“You baggy bovine!” the witch glowered. “You’re trying to sabotage me.”
“You did turn me into a cow.”
“If this doesn’t work,” the witch said, waving the wooden spoon at her companion, “you’re going to stay that way for the rest of your udder-lugging life.”
“Relax,” Etheldred said. “It’s curdling isn’t it?”
“Milk thistle to thicken?” The witch held up another vial. Then her eyes flashed with menace. “Unless you have another suggestion? I hear cows’ stomachs produce excellent rennet.”
“Rennet is terribly old-fashioned,” the cow blinked lazily, not in the least worried by the witch’s threats. “Besides, I’m using all of my stomachs.”
Witch Stein poured the milk thistle into the pot and watched the mixture coagulate. After a time, she prodded the jellied mass with her spoon and said, “Looks about right.”
“Get on with it, then,” the cow chided. “This weather isn’t going to last all night.”
“You mind your own magic,” the witch said. With leather-mitted hands she heaved the stinking cauldron over to the kitchen table and dumped its contents without ceremony. “This bit is mine.”
Slowly, surely, the witch moulded and sculpted the mass of fresh cheese. The shape on the table took a new form. The cheese became a large, slightly misshapen man. Once she was satisfied, Witch Stein hauled out a coil of fine, hair-like metal fibers and used them to pierce the body in a few vital locations: the head, the heart, the belly, and the groin.
“What are you stabbing it for?” the cow brayed. “This isn’t one of those black magic dolls, is it? You said I could have Ralphie and I want him in one piece!”
It was Witch Stein’s turn to say, “Relax.”
She uncoiled the wires and attached them to a strange looking harness over the fireplace. More wires climbed from the harness, up the chimney, and onto the roof. The witch rubbed her hands together and looked out the window at the roiling storm. “Now, we wait.”
No sooner had she said that, then the air of the room fizzed and crackled. A smell like old coins replaced the stink of the cheese. Forks of hot white light shot from the wires on the chimney and sparked around the body of the cheese man. Etheldred mooed in alarm as a finger of lightening got too close for comfort.
“My tail is on fire,” she bellowed.
But the witch wasn’t paying the cow any attention. The creature on the table was moving its great lumpy limbs. She clapped her hands ecstatically. “It worked!”
The cheese man sat up and shook its fat, misshapen head.
“It’s alive!” Witch Stein shrieked and she did a little jig. “You thought I couldn’t do it, admit it!”
“Well,” said the cow as she gingerly dipped her tail into her water bucket. “He’s not much to look at, is he?”
“Neither is Ralphie,” the witch crowed. “I don’t need him to be handsome, I just need him to be big and strong and to follow my every command.”
“He’s certainly big,” the cow said. The cheese man’s head seemed to be growing closer to the thatched roof. “And with that recipe, he’ll be stronger than any human man. So that’s my end of the bargain. Now change me back!”
But the witch was too busy admiring her handiwork to worry about Etheldred. The cheese man tore the mess of metal wires away and stood almost to his full height. His neck bent awkwardly and his shoulders pressed against the ceiling. He looked at the witch with eyes of dry curd, and he spoke.
“Mama?” The cheese man’s voice belched out in a cloud of air that reeked like rancid feet.
Etheldred cackled as well as she could with her cow’s mouth and dropped another pile of dung.
“I’m not your mother, you oaf.” The witch poked him in the belly with her wooden spoon. “I’m your wife, Frances. Now quit lazing about, Cheese-Head, we’ve got work to do!”
“Hungry!” the cheese man grunted. And with that, he reached out his huge, lumpy hand, grabbed Etheldred the cow, and gobbled her all up.
The witch said, “Huh.”
The cheese man suddenly doubled in size, stood up to his full height, and crashed through the wall of Frances Stein’s kitchen. He lumbered into the night wearing the thatched roof like a hat, eating rocks and trees and whatever wild animals he scared up along the way.
“That’s a shame,” said the witch. She hitched her sleeves up to her elbows, grabbed her broom, and followed after her cheese husband.
Cheese-head moved quickly on legs that were growing longer every second, but he left a path of ruin that Witch Stein followed easily. The storm had abated and dawn was breaking by the time she caught up with the cheese man. The witch found him sitting on his huge, bumpy bottom in the middle of town, plucking the roofs off of houses and snacking on the terrified villagers inside.
“Stop that this instant!” The witch flew her broom up to the cheese man’s head and buzzed around him like an angry bee. “We don’t have time for this nonsense.”
The cheese man swatted at her clumsily. “Hungry,” he moaned.
What good is a super-big, super-strong, super-obedient husband if he never stops eating, Witch Stein thought petulantly? Then an idea began brewing in her brain.
“I’ll get you some food,” she promised. “But first, you have to give me back that cow.”
The cheese man blinked his curd eyes at her.
“The one you ate in my kitchen,” she prompted.
The cheese man opened his cavernous mouth, reached a hand down his throat, and pulled out Etheldred. He plunked her on the ground, sodden and stinking. Then he heaved himself to his feet, now the size of schooners, and lumbered in the direction of the next town eating everything in his path.
“Disgusting,” the cow said.
“Quit your whining,” the witch said. “I need one of your food spells.”
“What I need is a washing-up spell,” Etheldred replied, dripping with whey and misery. “I’ll never get this smell out.”
“Can you do a never-ending bread loaf?”
“Bread loafs, porridge pots, salt grinders, you name it.” Even in her soggy state, the cow wasn’t above a little bragging. “If you can eat it, I can make it last forever.”
“I’m going to change you back,” the witch begrudged. “But I need your help.”
“I suppose I’m in no position to bargain.”
Witch Stein snapped her fingers and lifted the curse. Etheldred, still dripping but looking slightly more human, stretched her back and thrust out her buxom bosom. “That’s better,” she said. “Now what’s on the menu?”
The two witches went to work scouring the town for oats, molasses, and flour. Etheldred was as good as her word, and in a few hours they had an enchanted loaf of bread the size of a cart horse.
“Big and dense,” the kitchen witch declared. “Just like your cheese husband.”
“And Ralphie, too, while we’re on the subject.” Witch Stein rapped Etheldred on the head with her broom. “Now shut your gob and help me carry this thing.”
The witches wrapped the loaf up with thick ropes, strung it between two broomsticks, and flew—a little wobbly and with a list to the left—after the cheese man. They followed the path of broken trees, flattened cottages, and absent livestock all the way to a river. The cheese man, who was now the size of a large hillock, knelt on the ground beside the water guzzling for all he was worth.
“What are you doing now, you great galumph,” Witch Stein bellowed at her cheese husband. “I brought you food that will never run out. Now it’s time for you to get to work!”
The cheese man peered at her with his curd eyes and blinked. He snatched the loaf of bread from between the witches’ brooms, nearly spilling them both into the river, and took a colossal bite. Before he finished chewing, the loaf sprang back to its original size with a pop. The cheese man took another bite, watched the loaf grow back again, and grinned a cheesy grin.
Then he tossed the loaf aside and guzzled at the river. Witch Stein and Etheldred looked at one another and shrugged.
Soon, the raging river became a babbling brook, and the brook became a trickle. Then the trickle dried up completely. He’d guzzled up all of the water for miles and miles. The cheese man sat up and coughed out a cloud of dust.
“Thirsty,” he said and tried to stand. He wanted more to drink.
“Don’t you dare!” Witch Stein flew up and buzzed in his ear like a gnat. “You stay right where you are. Etheldred, can you do that trick with water, too?”
Etheldred puffed out her chest. “If you can drink it, I can—”
“Yeah, yeah.” Witch Stein landed her broom and hitched up her skirts. “What do we need?”
“Why should I help you again?” Etheldred put her hands on her hips and blew a strand of whey soaked hair off of her large, crooked nose. “I kept my side of the bargain. The deal is done.”
“If you don’t, I’ll find Ralphie and turn him into the toad he is!”
Etheldred landed beside Witch Stein and muttered, “I’m starting to think that Ralphie is more trouble than he’s worth.”
“Well, at least you didn’t have to marry him to figure that out,” snapped Frances. “Are you going to help me, or not?”
“We’re going to need a big pot,” Etheldred said. “A really big pot. And after this, you’re going to owe me one.”
“You heard the woman!” Witch Stein clapped her hands at the cheese man. “Go fetch us the biggest pot you can find. And be quick about it!”
The cheese giant picked up his loaf of bread and lumbered off into the distance, munching away, and leaving slightly less devastation in his wake. It took three whole weeks for him to return, by which time Etheldred and Frances had put aside their differences and more or less become friends.
“Now that’s a cauldron!” Etheldred said when the cheese man trundled up to them with a vessel the size of a house. “Where did you find that?”
“Giants,” said the cheese man, and that was all they got out of him on the matter. But Witch Stein heard, a few years later, about a stone giant named Hymir who had developed a sudden, and rather ferocious, aversion to dairy products.
“What’ll it be,” Etheldred asked. She pulled herself up onto the lip of the cauldron. “Water, milk, tea?”
Witch Stein looked up at her mountain of a husband and shook her head. “Better make it wine,” she said.
“You’re my kind of woman, Frankie!” Etheldred cackled. She waved her hands over the pot and recited a complicated incantation that involved a little too much hip wiggling and bosom shimmying for Frances’s taste.
Soon the cauldron was brimming with a fragrant, dark red vintage.
“My best merlot,” Etheldred winked. “It pairs very well with cheese.”
The cheese giant picked up the cauldron and drank. He drank and he drank but, just as the kitchen witch promised, the cauldron never emptied. Then, with a belch that shook the birds out of the sky, he smiled. “Good.”
“Finally!” Witch Stein threw her hands up in the air. Then she pulled a roll of parchment out of her bosom and thrust it at her cheese husband. “Gather these materials, Cheese-Head. We have to build a bigger house before we do anything else.”
“Wow!” Etheldred exclaimed as the cheese man lumbered away on his first mission, carrying the over-sized loaf and flask with him. “He can read?”
“Grab your broom, woman.” Frankie Stein launched herself into the air. “We’re going to find a nice secluded spot in the mountains. I need space for my laboratory and the hard-to-find magical elements Goudard is going to collect for me. I have hypotheses to test!”
“Well I have to call him something besides Cheese-Head.”
“Wait just a minute,” Etheldred said. “You still owe me a favour.”
Frankie rolled her eyes heavenward. “I promise not to turn Ralph into a toad.”
“Forget Ralph.” Etheldred hopped on her broomstick. The witches zipped over barren fields and flattened forests toward the mountains. A bovine bellow could be heard for miles around, “I want a cheese husband!”
And they would all have lived happily ever after except that Goudard, it turns out, didn’t like being berated and bossed any more than Ralphie had. So he joined the circus, and Frankie Stein had to do her own ingredient collecting. That didn’t stop her from trying to create new super-husbands, though. She even dug up a graveyard for parts, once—
But that’s another story for another time.
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